wide awake

Filed Under internal monologue | 2 Comments

insomnia It’s now 5am. I’ve been up since 4:15 consternating over everything. I am sick with anxiety.

And now I am going out for some food since I have absolutely nothing to eat to make me feel better.

Seriously, this is what it has come down to. Stress eating.
It’s bad, people, bad.
*

some random thoughts

Filed Under internal monologue | 6 Comments

In keeping with my goal to post as often as I can (wish the intention of getting more interesting, or something), I am listing here some random thoughts that went through my head today…

1) Ever since I gave up my coke habit (coca-cola, ok?, jeez) at the end of last year and became more of a social or emergency coke drinker, every time I sip any of that sugary goodness it reminds me of McDonald’s French Fries. Seriously, I can smell them in my coke drink or something. I find this to be a strange association. And yet not really.

2) Ever since I decided to add this here narcissistic little blog to my Facebook profile I have wondered at how many “silent visitors” might stop by. And then I hoped they wouldn’t be silent, but rather, let me know they were here in some way. Like by commenting. And this thought led me to…

3) Ever since I joined Facebook I have been amazed and curious as to how I could’ve disliked high school so much when I find that I really like all the people from high school that I have Facebook befriended. Perhaps my feeling about my high school experience is askew?

4) I love going to see plays. I saw two plays last week (*this one*!!! and this one…) and I hope to see another one this weekend. And I want to go to concerts. I want to get out, out, out and about. Doing. Seeing. Hearing. Watching. And this thought led me to…

5) I should call the headshot photographer that Amanda recommends, get some new photos and then arrive at my old agency’s door and humbly tell them that I’m back in action. This scares me a lot. So. I. Should. Do it.

6) When I read The Alchemist a couple of weeks ago, I didn’t realize how much it was effecting me until now. I am trying to notice the omens.

End of Teleport journey into my head on a Tuesday.

things that make me…

Filed Under internal monologue | 2 Comments

frustrated: the dirty, smelly carpet outside my front door. time for a letter to the HOA

exhilarated: earthquakes that makes everyone come out of their office for a minute

joyful: leaving work early on Tuesdays in order to “prepare for my acting class”

peaceful: marceau purring loudly by my side

back, lazy, calm and thoughtful

Filed Under internal monologue, travelin' moon | 4 Comments

I arrived home from Houston on Monday afternoon and I was so thrilled to be back where everything is familiar, where I recognize the smell of everything and where hot is actually not as *hot* compared to the humidity of a Texas Summer.

While I was away I was not feeling particularly communicative. I couldn’t think straight, actually. And whenever I tried to speak about how I was feeling it was rather hard for me not to cry.

This happens to me, sometimes. Especially if I am away from home.

And then I got in my rental car (which, as usual, smells a little funny; like faint cigarettes and some kind of upholstery cleaner) and took a 3 hour drive to Austin. Not only have I always heard cool things about this city, but my friend Rachael lives there now and her baby girl is now about 1 month old, so it seemed the perfect thing to do to get my mind off what was troubling me.

everything is bigger in Texas On the drive there, I talked to people on the phone as I whizzed past lots of beautiful open land and lush, green trees. And talk about a beautiful sky – the big Texas sky’ll break your heart with beauty.

Rachael, baby Delilah and I went to lunch at Shady Grove, where I ate a huge Chili-dog. It was so wonderful to see Rachael as a Mama. It made my heart sing when Rachael said “I just don’t ever stop thinking about her. I don’t even know what I thought about before…” Delilah is precious and Rachael is simply radiant.

On the drive back to Houston, I took my time to stop and take some pictures along the way. I tried hard to drive with the windows down, and no air conditioning, so that my hair could blow and I could let the good smell of the earth clear my head, except for the sound of hot air blowing and classic rock blaring on the radio. But Texas is a different kind of hot, so every so often I had to roll up the windows and cool off for a few minutes.

Something about that drive quieted my mind. The overwhelming sense of stress was still there, but somehow, it seemed more manageable after allowing myself to “get away” all by myself with only the open road ahead of me.

Click right here to see the photos of my journey.

separation

Filed Under internal monologue | 2 Comments

After my vacation, my brother stayed with me for an extra day and a half. We don’t often get to spend a lot of quality time together where we are able to really talk without other people around. I can’t express how much I loved having him so close. We are friends, I am happy to say, and when we talk, I feel a closeness and understanding that I imagine only comes from sharing a mother. We don’t just talk, we, like, really talk, you know? We share a strong desire to cut through the b.s. and get to the heart of the matter. He is better at this than I am.
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