breaking in

Filed Under goings on | 1 Comment

I have been safely in the inner circle of a close-knit community for three years and I’ve forgotten how challenging it can be to break into a close group of people from the outside…I’m am currently going through this challenge in two new places.

The first is in my acting class. Actors are so weird and so being the ‘new girl’ is a little intimidating. But I’m trying hard ~ harder than usual ~ not to be shy. I know most of you who read this here blog don’t think of me as shy, but I can be quite shy sometimes.

I am also trying to break into my yoga studio (alright! ~ I’ve only had four classes, but everyone seems to know each other). At the beginning of class (Anusara practice), there is a chant that is sung in unison. It’s beautiful, but I didn’t know it it makes me feel silly trying hard to figure it out. I grasped the tune, but the words were so hard to make out. Today I looked it up online and it goes like this…(first, pronunciation, then the song..listen!)


~

I think it’s so pretty and I’m so thrilled to have found it on the web for listening. Here is what it means:

I offer myself to the one true teacher within and without
In the forms of reality, consciousness and bliss
Ever present and full of peace
Independent being, the vital essence of illumination

~

I’m breaking in. Breaking in. Time, is all.

the pit of despair

Filed Under family & friends, life in LA | 1 Comment

Here I share a short film written by, directed by and starring my friends Saba & Neil.

~

back to mine

Filed Under acting, internal monologue | 5 Comments

backI’ve gotten away from myself over the last year and I’ve decided that this new year will be about reconnecting to things I feel I’ve lost.

To start, I’ve resolved to get dressed in the morning. Ok, so what I really mean is that I am no longer going to work wearing my sweats. (See I have that luxury working in fitness). No, now I am getting up a little earlier and trying to remind myself that putting an outfit together can be a form of self expression. So, in short, I am trying to get my style back. I may even try to do my hair from time to time.

I used to take a yoga class from time to time and so I went to one of those last week and my shoulder muscles were uber-sore afterward. But I loved the quiet of the room only interrupted by a soothing male voice offering thoughtful ideas ad helpful adjustments. And the mixed-gender practice was a welcome change from my women-only movement sanctuary. I will be going back this Saturday. I think of it as cross-training. And I am seriously considering pursuing yoga certification later this year.

Another thing that I have gotten away from is acting. Acting was such a big part of me and I am thankful to have stepped away from it for a couple of years because I feel that I am now ready to embrace it again as something I want to do instead of something I must do.

So, in keeping with my 2007 resolutions (ah well), I stepped foot into an acting class last night. It only took me a year. And I was ready. I sat in a room of stranger actors for 3.5 hours and I was happy to be there watching the actor process and feeling my love of acting begin to resurface after a long hibernation.

It’s amazing how easy it is to get away from oneself. And how difficult it is to get back to oneself. I find I am questioning everything at the moment. I actually feel relatively present and awake, but what this means is that I am feeling much more of the pain and frustration of my current existence. And how fabulous!

I do not want to be numb. I want to feel everything fully and with vigor. I do not want to get stuck. I want to explore life and constantly be learning and challenged by new things. I do not want to get lost in routine and stress. I want to find me again.

So my theme for 2008 is: Back To Mine

perfectionism, be gone.

Filed Under journal | 1 Comment

As I sit here resisting the fact that I must, indeed, go back to a full week of work today, I am calm in the fact that I have changed my tune.

I have worked for my company for 3 years and for 3 years it has been a “growing business”, forever going through growing pains. And I have many times been told to “hang in there” through these growing pains. Well, how long will these growing pains last, I ask?

At the end of last year (literally on December 28th) my work stress rose to the point of insanity. And I was sincerely ready to walk out of that corporate door and never go back. The disorganization I felt was crippling and the numerous attempts I was making to get what I needed to do my job were ignored once again. And I finally realized that it was out of my control.

For a number of hours I let this freak me out, venting into the ears of my loved ones, causing myself anxiety and back pain. Then, suddenly, I made the snap decision to turn off my stupid blackberry and enjoy my Saturday. And a calm slowly washed over me and I simply let go.

Over the new year I meditated on how I contribute to my own stress in these matters and that my perfectionism (the strong need to be the best, the most valuable, and the most perfect) is the root of everything I’ve been feeling. And I am now making a concerted effort to let it go.

perfectThis is very hard for me because it is an affliction with which I have lived forever, though only became truly aware of it as a problem in grad school. I had a teacher who told me that I “suffer from perfectionism”. And I remember thinking to myself, “Yeah, so?”. But I went home and got online to read about it and ordered a book called “Overcoming Perfectionism”. I read it but I didn’t think that my case was really that extreme. I wasn’t ready to let go of it yet. I just continued on the path of frustrating myself to the point of anxiety and stress over why I’m not the most successful, the most creative, the most innovative, the most capable, the most hip, the most, the most, the most.

But today, I am ready to overcome it. And today, I don’t need a book. (I ditched it during one of my many moves over the past years anyway).

I am going to work today with a brand new comfort in the fact that I am not responsible for certain things and I am going to revel in being out of control of certain situations. I can only ensure some things and I am on top of those.

Everything else is someone else’s problem. And if I am asked about these things, that’s what I will tell them. Politely, of course.

Because I am the most polite. *wink*

happy new year 2008!

Filed Under goings on | 1 Comment

auf wiedersehen 2007

I spent new year’s eve hanging out with my nephew, Forrest, while my brother was dj-ing. We mostly played computer games, but I was able to get him interested in the confetti poppers, which I popped them outside on the patio while Forrest gathered the confetti that appeared after the “loud boom”. We then put it on our heads to celebrate 2008.

I think 2008 is gonna be great!

Happy New Year to you. I hope your new year is filled with wishes come true!

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